when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
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I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.