There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing