I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive