Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.