I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
oh shit
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I think about this a lot
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold