I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn