5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
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I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
my retirement plan is braless
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”