It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
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cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
That stupid look on my face, is my face