Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
honestly, i need both:
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.