I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic