[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.