@Coolisiana *a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
@TheHyyyype [i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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@Coolisiana 
@MyMomologue Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
@ch000ch it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
@meisology 50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
@Hormonella Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
@ElizaBayne I wish gyms had a “montage” option
@ParentNormal VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
@alispagnola What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
@ch000ch i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
@CliffDuffy Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.