@TheHyyyype

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

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@Coolisiana

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

@MyMomologue

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

@ch000ch

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

@meisology

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

@Hormonella

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

@alispagnola

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

@ch000ch

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

@CliffDuffy

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.