they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.