“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
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ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Can. I. Help. You.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me hitting on a model
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it