I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
You Might Also Like
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Challenge accepted.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?