Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
You Might Also Like
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
That 👊
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes