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ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!