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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used