I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
OH. COME. ON.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling