If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Ah yes. The three genders
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own