[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Them: You should try keto
Me:
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..