spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]