Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets