Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.