HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!