genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.