I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.