Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
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Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.