[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
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yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Jupiter
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
my one true gender
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.