{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too