I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
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I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism