My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.