Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
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Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
We like the way Dwight thinks
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”