No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
💁🏻♂️
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.