No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth