Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
lol
I love the National Park Service.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.