Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
How do horror writers compete with current events?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.