I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
🙂🐾
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready