[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.