“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
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Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Well. That’s not a good sign.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.