If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
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all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.