Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
You Might Also Like
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one