me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent