Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
You Might Also Like
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.