once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
#inspiration #foodforthought
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…