We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
You Might Also Like
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
c’mon!
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
New Tinder profile.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
You know…for fall…