Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
You Might Also Like
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Meowchelangelo
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.