Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
You are what you delete.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
When your man makes a valid point
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
every. time.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body