Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
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Tough love is true love
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*