I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER