Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
inside you are two wolves
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*