me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd