I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.