ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first